In the essay there are not a lot of changes that need to be done. The only problems that I see with the essay are many small grammatical issues. You did a good job transitioning the paragraphs for each topic. I would just try to say what you will be talking about in the introduction paragraph more clearly. In the essay the use of quotes to support what you are saying is good. Another thing that I would fix with the paper would be cleaning up your beginning paragraph. I think that there is a lot of information in it which is good but it makes it harder to understand where you stand yourself on the topic. This can be done by just trimming some of the information down and developing a more clear thesis statement. Other than that for a first draft this is a really good paper. If you fix up some of the issues than easily this paper will become much better.
You left your peer a wonderful trail of comments. Continue to challenge yourself to find ways to improve your peers’ papers. I noticed that you used a question to help show your peer a moment that they could clarify. Questions make excellent editing tools! Keep those questions coming!